B&A: Is this OK writing?
Be aware this is for NaNoWriMo, and so the quality suffers, but is this ok for what it is? I do plan on rewriting and editing the entire novel when this is over. This novel is a dark comedy/parody of horror romance stories, so it’s meant to be a little corny and absurd. This is an excerpt taken completely out of context.
Depression isn’t always sad. It’s boring. You just exist, doing the same boring thing day after day, walking around like a zombie, your mind watching you up from above; watching you brush your teeth, urinate, shave, do meaningless things to pass the time, and then go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. Some mornings, you wake up expecting it to change. You never do anything different, but you expect something to happen to you, like a meteor crashing into your house or a new face to enter your life and change everything. But it never does. Why did I expect today to be any different?
As long as she’s here, every day will be the same.
On another Friday night, I drowned in my silk sheets and stared blankly at the ceiling as I tried to get some well needed sleep. My attempts were futile. My heart pounded and sweat dripped down my bare chest. It was so hot. I kicked off my sheets. Too cold.
The room was pitch-black, but the faint glow of the full moon peeked through the window, illuminating the small table below it. A small picture of a lovely young couple stood out among the clutter. At least, the woman was lovely; fair skin and long dark hair. She stared at the man with loving black eyes, like she was proud of him; proud to say he was all hers. He didn’t deserve her love.
An eerie silence filled the air. I laid absolutely still, straining my ears to hear the faintest of sounds, such as a mouse flitting through the walls or the trees rustling in the wind. Anything to feel like I still exist on planet Earth. The deafening quiet was broken by the sound of her screams ricocheting off the walls. I bit my lip hard as I pulled the duvet over my face like a child hiding from monsters in the closet. She wouldn’t leave. She’ll never leave.
Under my blankets, my eyes were closed, but I could still see. I could see here standing there, watching me, satisfied that my life is Hell without her. Not even in a Hell wherein I could at least be accompanied by Galileo and Buddha and other interesting characters, but an empty Hell. She knew this, and I could see the grin on her face. I could see the delighted hatred in her large, unearthly black eyes, her cupid bow lips stretching into a smirk. “Good night Viktor,” she said. Then, I fell into blackness
I awoke to a thud. I sat up reluctantly and stared at the alarm clock next to my bed. It was 3 AM on the dot. Another thud. I rubbed my eyes and pushed myself out of the warm bed, my heart racing. Another thud. This wasn’t a mouse in the walls. Someone was here.
The noise continued and soon was more than just a random noise, but rhythmic, like a heartbeat. Thud. Another thud. Thud. Another. Thud. Thud. I shivered and shook as I croaked, “Who’s there?” I sat quietly for a moment and tried to identify the origin of the noise. It seemed to be coming from downstairs, directly below my bedroom. It was in the kitchen.
I tiptoed to the bedroom door and pressed my ear against it, my heart racing. My hand hovered over the knob as I listened to the other side. I wasn’t sure what I was afraid of. Surely it was nothing but the wind knocking the doors of the window repeatedly. That was a lie to reassure myself. I knew who it was.
The hinges creaked louder than ever when I opened the door and I winced, fearing that they would hear me. I gulped, and continued down the hall. The hallway never looked so long. The dark hardwood floor and peeling damask wallpaper stretched for miles. I tiptoed across it. Thud. Thud. Thud. A collage of photos caught my eye, one in particular. There she was. Her black eyes weren’t filled with hatred, but were bright and wide as she smiled a wide red lipstick smile, her arms up in the air and she danced in a pile of autumn leaves. Her black hair and ivory skin stood out amongst the reds and oranges and yellows of November.
Thud. Thud. I forced myself to avert my eyes and continue to the source of the noise, but an image of her face still burned in my brain. I proceeded down the spiral staircase, an intense beating in my chest, my grimacing face and shaking hands clammy. Each cold step whined under my bare feet.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Once I reached the hallway of the first floor, I knew immediately where it was and I would not go. I held my breath as I made my way over to the basement door, hugging myself and tearing at the flesh of my elbows.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
My mind stayed blank, yet alert as I rushed through the bar, then the kitchen to the basement door. I didn’t bother to turn on any lights for my eyes were adjusted to the dark.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
They want me to open it, but I can’t. I won’t. I have to. I pause, my breaths shallow and weak, then I reach my hand out toward the.
“Vikkkktoooor.” A hiss in my ear. I jump and spin around, ready to defend myself. There is nothing. There is no one. All I see is my kitchen. Oh, I am a fool.
“Hello?” I whisper out to nothing. Shaking off the fear I turn around to lock the basement, turning the bolt and pushing a dining chair in front of it to top it all off. Just in case. I let out a sigh and turn to go back upstairs.
I jumped at the short-lived sight of a woman. She was there! A brief moment! Not even a blink! But it was her… She stared at me invitingly, her lips saying “come hither”. I saw a glimpse of her glossy black waves and glowing skin. She was so lovely you would die just to see her one second more. To see that doll in the red velvet dress.
The dress she is wearing right now under the floorboards of my basement.
If it’s "Oh Gawd" tell me why! haha It won’t hurt my feelings. I just want to improve.